My Story

Have you ever wondered why a seed has to die in order for it to sprout? Or why pain is involved in the process of becoming stronger? More and more, I am convinced that we learn the most through trials and failures in life. There have been two major events in my life that challenged me in the Faith. The first was the death of my father; the second was two dark years of doubt about Christianity.

My father passed away on Monday, November 6, 2000. He was fifty-four years old. I had gone to school that morning knowing that it may be his last day. The previous evening had been a time for me to say last words to him and tell him I loved him. This was a one-sided conversation due to his vegetative state over the previous three weeks. My mother, who was a nurse, had chosen to keep him at home for his remaining days and allowed Hospice to care for him. This was not the first time anyone had bathed, changed, and carried him; my mother and I had been doing this periodically for the last ten months. During those ten months, he had a relapse of cancer from five years previous, surgery to remove a major tumor on the frontal lobe, and entered a terminal waiting period through the summer months and into the fall. I had cared for my dad ever since February of that year when he started waking up in the middle of the night and voiding in the corner of his room in Indonesia.

You see, my parents were missionaries in Indonesia. We had lived in the Da’an tribe in the middle of the island of Borneo for 15 years. My father was the evangelist and discipler of the team. When the cancer hit, I watched him enter this vegetative state and did not associate it with cancer; I only thought it was my father going crazy. I was with him when we traveled to Singapore, where his doctor told my mother to return to the US because it was terminal. I had become the man of the family as my two older brothers and one older sister were on their own in the US. I was with my father when he had surgery in Winston-Salem, and when he went through rehab. I watched him recover through the summer and digress in the fall. When I received the call at school on that Monday morning, I immediately drove the ten minutes home. He died in those ten minutes. I was 16 years old.

Fast forward to the second event. In 2004, on the streets of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I discussed at length my faith in Christianity with a disciple of Nietzsche—an atheist/agnostic. After a three-hour conversation, it was as if a switch was flicked in my mind to question everything. I had told him that I wished I thought the way he thought just so I could explain my faith in a way he would accept. As I walked away, I began to question everything. In fact, this lasted for the next two years and covered questions of the existence of truth, God, reality, myself, Biblical authority, life’s meaning and purpose, beauty, and goodness.

I was snagged as a youth intern after this and was paid to be an example of Christ before the youth. My days typically went from “faith to faith.” I would start the day and simply have to say, “God, I trust your word, even though I have many questions. Use me if you can.” I would go, live out Christ, and then come home. Once I got home, the questions set in again. I mean, I would be out running and wondering why the ground was holding me up or be typing and wonder what was keeping my fingers from going through the keyboard. They were mainly epistemological questions. When I found an answer to one question, ten more would pop up in its place. It was during this time that my boss and pastor recommending I read Ravi Zacharias’s Can Man Live Without God. As the summer wore on, I got worse and worse. In fact, my brother returned from Indonesia that summer and saw the toll these questions had taken on me. I broke down just telling him what was going on. He proceeded to encourage me and tell me I should take the time to find answers. That was meaningful to have his support.

Strangely enough, it was that summer that some of my youth went through Summit, and I went to see them graduate. I was blown away that there was a whole ministry devoted to knowing answers to all of those questions that Nietzschean asked. Thus, I logged away Bryan College as a good place to go college if I would ever return to school. I stayed on throughout the next school year, but the question did not go away. I began to lose my moral compass and delved into areas I should not. I found that my view of goodness, right, wrong, and beauty being distorted porn. Since I was doubting the very existence of God and his word, why would fleshly desires be so bad? I also slept a lot, since that was the best way to get away from the questions. It actually became sort of depressive, and life began to lose its meaning. It didn’t help that I was living on my own at the time. In time, I wanted a way to step away from the ministry, get out of leadership for a bit, and take time to study and address these issues.

The chance came when I decided to apply and was accepted to Bryan College the following spring. Once I got there, I found professors telling me that they saw struggle in my life, and that was a sign of life not death. This was one of the most encouraging things they could say, since I felt like I was dying. My life was all about Christianity up to this time of doubting, so it felt like parts of my soul were being destroyed and not used at all. If Christianity wasn’t true, life was not worth living. However, as I was embraced and discipled at Bryan, I began to see God was big enough to handle my questions. He was patient and simply waiting on me to trust him again. I also realized that there were plenty of Biblical characters who struggled against God and had big questions, from Job to Moses to David to Christ to Thomas to Paul. Sometimes God expressly answered their questions, other times he let them vent for a while then let them come around. By the end of my freshman year, I sat down to reflect upon my journey.

I realized that the doubt had begun an academic doubt and turned to volitional doubt. I had simply not known the arguments or how to think about what that guy said. Over the course of two years, it had turned to a comfortable place where I could just ask questions and never take a stand. Doubting is easy; standing on answers takes courage and trust. Thus, that spring semester I finally sat down and went over the things I then knew to be true: God, Jesus incarnate, fallen sinners, world needing redemption, etc. Call it a rededication or whatever, but I finally took a stand on the things I knew to be true. Sure, I would have questions for the rest of my life, but I can know some things. It was from that point on that Bryan served as a place to build me back in the Faith. I started to be relational again. I started reading the Bible and realized I should’ve been reading it all along. I actually got answers to philosophical questions. Before, I thought it would only give me some theological questions. Finally, I noticed that the more I talked about my questions, the more people could help. Sometimes, others had the same questions, and two minds were better than one; I wasn’t alone in this.

Remember I said I believe we learn the most through trials and failures. The death of my father and two years of faith-rattling doubt has taught me much. Granted, there have been many more areas that, but these were some of the bigger chapter headings in my life. It was from this second event that I learned to mourn the impact of the first event. Skepticism and agnosticism helped heal the wounds from the death of my father. The death of my father removed the guardian at the gates of skepticism and agnosticism. Ironically, both events have led to a more beautiful and holistic view of Christianity and life.

Those times were extremely hard. Remember Hebrew 12:11: All discipline is but for the moment. But in the end, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Please, please, please, I beg you, don’t give up. God is a patient Father, waiting with open arm to welcome you back in his presence.

Why Study the Bible?

These are a few points Doc Noebel (President of Summit) makes throughout his "Bible Hours":

It is a part of world literature.

It has had great influence on this country.

It is the mark of an educated man or woman.

It is the mark of a moral man.

It is the mark of a free man.

It is not unscientific.

It is not unphilosophical.

It tells us to.

Last Day of Session Two

I'm standing in the classroom listening to the power of God in a student's life. She is telling her story to my fellow Classroom Director, Koryn. Six of us shared our testimonies last night. It was surprising how diverse the testimonies were. I shared on doubt, and others shared on wreckless life, identity, porn, pride and family relationships, and drug addictions. It was a rich and thoughtful time.

Now, the time with 177 students is closing. They are returning to their homes for various events through the summer. Some will simply play video games while others change the world. Can we expect leadership from 16 year-olds? In a sense, yes. Not everyone will be a leader, but everyone is led by God in some respect. Some will excel into spheres needing Christians. Others will support their leaders well. Father in heaven, use these willing vessels greatly.

Academics and Sports

Life is finally sorting out, and I'm settling in to the busy schedule. I'll be getting my bus license next week. I'm listening to great speakers all the time and more and more realizing the state of colleges and culture today. Mr. Stonestreet is speaking on postmodernism at the moment. Tonight, students will be thinking upon femininity and masculinity. Then, small groups are after. If I could pay for my neighbor, Jawon, to come or go to one of the conferences, I would. I think it is that important. Life is communal, and there is a good sense of accountability. Sports times are intense, and we do much media stuff. Students hiked Pikes Peak yesterday (Sunday), and others went whitewater rafting. Despite all the academics, oh and the 180 question Bible exam, they don't want to leave at the end of the two weeks. For 182 high school- and college-age kids to say that, there must be something significant happening here. In general, I love the staff, have started a book on the theology of possessions, have great coffee everyday, and hike the mountains of CO sometimes twice or three times a week. It is a good break from life in NC. I'm tired, but rest is near.

Mystical Words

What do words mean? They mean reason, logic, logos, conversation, meaning, history, truth. It also means the Word of God. John 1:1-14 says, "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. In Him was life and the life was the light of men...And the word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth." In a sense, Christ is also word, Truthful word--the Word of God. Now let me explain myself before that statement is taken as deifying words or demonizing Christ.

God is Trinity: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. How does God communicate with us? He has talked with humanity through all three of the persons, but He does so with the use of words. This is why we have language. It is a reflection of the image of God (Gen. 1:27); it is one of the things that separates us from the rest of creation. It is God's original way of communication. This is why the Bible is written word; why we have names; why literacy is so important. (I find this hard to accept when world missions is in perspective. God does communicate with other means--dreams, creation, people. However, His most enduring, specific communication has been written down in the Bible. Anybody without access to the Bible is going to miss out on the Truth setting them free through justification, sanctification, church leadership, etc.)

Words are one of the most important things in this world. One way to think of words is a relationship between persons. Words are not deity in themselves, but they are an extension of the person speaking them. This is why the crowd fell back when Jesus spoke to them in the garden. "So when He said to them, 'I am He,' they drew back and fell to the ground" (John 18:6). As Christ is God, his words contain the power of God in whatever intentional way he desires. God created the universe with his words. "Then God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light" (Gen. 1:3). God spoke all of creation into being with the very use of his words.

One role of words in the Christian's life is for the renewing of the mind. First of all, we are to love God with all of our being; our mind is included in this. "So this I say, and affirm to together with the Lord, that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk, in the futility of their mind, being darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart...But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, ...and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of truth. Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another" (Ephesians 4:17-25). Keys to the Christian life are found in understanding, knowledge, and knowing Christ (Phil. 3:10). This is known and processed by the renewing of our mind. Please notice that I am not saying the renewing of the mind is the only way of sanctification in the Christian life. This is simply one way. I think of the mind as the one compartment of the immaterial soul that deals with words. We also have a compartment known as the spirit, which is animated upon salvation by the Holy Spirit (My Bryan College thesis is on the soul, so I won't explain further here.). Both mind and spirit is connected immaterially, influence one another, and in turn, drive the rest of the soul and body. The mind runs on words; the machinery in the mind is reason. When God speaks (i.e. the Bible, Jesus words, etc.), his words are powerful and have the capacity to renew the mind, enabling us to know truth and grow.

Thus, concerning the statement that Christ is also word, Truthful word, the Bible's words are a key to conforming to the image of Christ. His word is alive and sharp. Christ's power is still with us through animation of the Spirit and the Bible. It is not the physical book or the printed word that contains deity, but the relationship and meaning inherent in the words. We should not worship the Bible itself but know that the words contained are intimately an extension of the Godhead. Truth in word form are the chosen method of transferring power and liberating the Fallen world. Knowing words and their power reveals a realm that sits skin to skin touching to the Trinity. Call it mysticism; call it what you may. Just know there is deep significance to words, especially when God uses them.

Colorado CDL Permit

I got my Colorado CDL permit yesterday, after failing 2 out of 3 tests and retaking them the same day. I failed!? I generally don't fail tests. There was a general knowledge test (50 q's), an airbrakes test (25), and a passenger test (20). I failed general and passenger. I should've passed those and failed the airbrakes'. Weird. In the time up until "Congratulations, you passed this test!" flashed up on the screen for the last two tests, I was freaked out. I feared failing Summit Ministries, since they were the ones paying for it all. I feared continual failure, never being able to take tests again. I feared extrapolation of that failure to other areas of life and not being able to excel at anything. In general, it was scary. I knew I must continue on and get up again. Failure and fear can multiply exponentially to cease life as a whole. Thankfully, God is gracious and supplies strength when needed, even when not needed or noticed. Proverbs 24:16, "For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity." Now, I only have to go through a four hour driving test...on my own...in a bus...soon...and deal with that fear in order to get my full CDL. Strange how life never ceases to be challenging. Let's not talk about the Marine Corps OCS yet.

Connecting the Dots

Contentment comes in various forms throughout life. Sometimes it is in the form of happiness, and other times it simply reveals what should have been there all along. 

I had said that I would come back by and thank him for fixing my tranny. I make a habit of keeping my word. He fixed it four years ago. It took him about 3 days to complete the task, if I remember correctly. He was an transmission specialist with 30 years experience; it should've been only several hours. He said he would charge me $60 for the job. Professionals simply charge for the job, not the hours it takes. When he finished the job 3 days later, he knew well how my VW Jetta manual transmission functioned. He kept his word. I paid him.

He wanted me to test it out. I took the repaired tranny home and snugged it up under the hood in between the engine and left front tire. The whole process was informative and quality enhancing. The tranny worked fine, until the reverse gear popped out again. Darn. That's when I found the real cause of the problem--the linkage. I found some new nobs, slid them on, and found that I had already damaged the new reverse gear the specialist had installed. I decided to live with it instead of pulling the tranny again and making him extend me another favor. I just couldn't go very fast in reverse, even though speed is an essential component to performing doughnuts. 

My sister flipped the Jetta a couple months ago. I salvaged it for $400 and added another $500 to pay for a motorcycle. On my way to a distant bank location one day, it crossed my mind that I had never thanked "Bob" for fixing my tranny. After finding the right road, I rolled down to his garage--or what used to be. No one there. Pulling back up to his house, I comfortably--and somewhat pridefully--alighted my bike and rang the doorbell. "Bob" answered the door. I explained who I was; he vaguely remembered me. I thanked him. He didn't think much of it, or at least he didn't show it on his face. I was secretly wanting to show him that our rising generation still respects their elders and is grateful for the skill and ethic the grandparents and parents instill into their craft. Maybe it was too late. "Better late than never" may have found an exception.

The conversation was brief. I said goodbye and returned to my bike. In the few steps from the porch to the motorcycle, there was something satisfying about what just happened that shouted, "This is what life is all about. Not all of it, of course, but there is something about a brief and good end to a long story, a favor, a received complement, a gracious understanding that provides closure to unfulfilled words." It was a simple, 5 minute task that connected 4 years of dots. After all, I had been trying to stop by his place any time I went out that way to the bank and never had. One thought, one detour, one conversation consummated four years worth of unsettled soul into contentment.

There's something about the design of life that mystifies me. All that time, I could tell my failed efforts were going against design, or what should be. In a moment, everything fell into its place.